Understanding

I like to understand things. Why they are the way they are. Its not that hard to me, just explain it to me.
What I don't understand is what is going on with my husbands family.
My husbands dad married his second wife when my husband was 10 or 12. He knew her before they were married by working with her in the chicken houses. He didn't like her then. Before they got married he had told his dad that if he married her he would go live with his mom in Ga. All his dad said was I hate to see you go. He ended up staying.
There were many tumultuous years. His grandmother had lived with them to help him with the kids, she and step mom did not get along at all. His grandmother thought the sun rose and set on his shoulders. She babied him to say the least. I really believe that was what he needed at that time since him mom was only in the picture holidays and during the summer since she lived a state away. So needless to say, grandmother had to move out.
My husband had told me his step mom did a lot for him but the negative far out weighed the positive. He remembers spending a lot of time in his room being grounded.
He went to church on Sundays by himself.
Upon graduating high school he was told to 1) join the Army 2) go to college and pay your own way or 3) go to Ga. and live with your mom and start a life there. He chose Ga.
Life was not always easy in Ga. but he found a church through his sister and plugged in there.
We met in 1991 and started dating. I was told stories of his family and soon met them. I did not meet his dad and step mom until we were engaged.
I had determined I would draw my own conclusions and make the best of it and try to mend some fences.
Honestly, everything went well for about 4 or 5 years. Then I remember one holiday sitting there in their house - mind you we had just drove 5 hours with a young child - I sat there and listened to them belittle him and put him down for I don't know how long. He had gone in to the bedroom, I went in there and told him if I went back out there and it continued, we would leave. I didn't drive that far to be put down in someone else's house - as a guest! Thankfully it stopped.
There were a couple to four years of nothing big, but of course, all good things must come to an end.
When me children were given money for Christmas she would tell us to make sure the money gets spent on them and not you. WHAT!?! I would never, nor have I ever spent my children's money. This was said to us more than once on different occasions.
It reached its peak when his dad had a heart attack weeks before Christmas. The family trip to Gatlinburg was cancelled. He didn't rush out there because were told not to. We went the next day. On our way there we started receiving calls about the underlying reason for going out there - money. HUH? We were going to see his dad in the hospital. We arrived and saw his dad. Not too long after getting there his step mom unloads  on us that mu husband was the reason for the heart attack - ?? I guess diet, stress, and lack of exercise had nothing to do with it. Pretty much the money was thrown at us and we left.
Walking out, I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably. What had we/he done to be treated like that? Needless to say, I cried all the way back to GA from Birmingham. He talked on the phone to his step sister who is a peace maker. She tried to smooth things over to no avail.
Two Christmases a go we were to all go to Gatlinburg just like every other year. We had said we were going to go and to add us to helping pay for the parents room. Well, something happened to our checking account and we couldn't go. So pretty much we backed out last minute. It was not planned, it was not on purpose.
After it was decided we wouldn't go, the peace that came over me was unbelievable. The stress load was gone. So many times on our way there I would pray consistently. I would be so stressed out I would literally be sick, and stay sick the entire trip, scared some kind of drama would unfold.
We didn't go again this past Christmas - not because of money, because we didn't want to. Its the absolutely worst time of year to plan something like that money-wise.
Every time we are around them there is some kind of drama.
This past spring my husband called his dad to maybe go up there and spend time with him. He told us that was fine. The next day he called to tell him he couldn't because he dis-respected his wife (step mom).
We have never disrespected her, if anything we have been disrespected and on more than one occasion.
They have never called on our children's birthdays. The only time they hear from them are at Christmas where they are given money. They came to see one of Emily's softball games at World Series. I think they were passing through. They travel all over the US with friends but cant drive the next state over to see their grandchildren. They came out when the girls were born. Other than that I can count on one hand how many times they have been out.
She has grandchildren (2) in the same state as her and a great grand baby. She sees them and spends time with them - I see the pics. I refuse to believe they never call them on their birthdays. That they get the same treatment as his dad's grand kids get.
I would say she controls his dad, but he allows it. It has gone on so long now, he wouldn't be able to do anything about it. I truly believe he is a good man. I just wish he would make the effort to get to know his kids, his grand kids. Let his grand kids know him.
Why? I just want to understand.
Does she treat his brother and sister like this? No. They bow to her, something we do not do. I refuse to, I am not that kind of person.
This really hurts him. He says it does and then tries to play it off and say it nothing out of the ordinary for her.
Understanding - because I just don't get it.