Today's devotional was about giving. Not necessarily money, but that included, of ourselves, our time and other things that only "we" can give to God, to our church.
I gave so much of my life, time, money and my being to the church I was raised in only to find out years later that it was all done for the wrong reason. I thought what I was doing was right. In some ways I was forced, but it was out of fear, not out of desire for God. I thought I was serving God, but I wasn't. How is singing in the choir serving God? It isn't. It wasn't out of my comfort zone, I wasn't doing something for God. What were my reasons for the things I did? Because I as told to, because I had to, had no choice. And Lord forbid I miss something! There was no balance to life.
The second church I served in, I gave so much to, in the end, didnt want me anymore. Fifteen years and they really didnt know me. Hurt.
In my heart, I have good intentions. I would love to give lots of money to my church. I want to do more, give more of my time. But I have been hurt, used, misused by two churches. I will now rarely volunteer to do anything. I have a select few I will work with because they do not abuse my willingness. I want people to know me but am unwilling to let them know me for fear of being hurt yet again.
So that sums it up - I don't give because I am scared. Fear. Now, I am not a fearful or scared person, just the opposite in fact. But I do not like opening myself up for others to see. Fear is the absence of faith. WOW. That just came to me - where did that come from?
I have some issues in my psyche that will not allow me to do some things in the church. I get the fight or flight syndrome, and more than likely I will run. My brain starts screaming RUN! Then with that, I withdraw.
I've reached my turning around point. I want to feel like I belong. I want to feel the feeling I have had when Jesus was my "go to". The peace.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Today
I went to our Bible/Book study this morning. I knew it was what I needed. I need this - I need accountability. I love doing these things but in a group, I love it that much more.
This weeks study dealt a lot with relying on God, not just entirely but day by day. Sometimes He is going to give us just what we need for TODAY, not tomorrow or the rest of the week. That's why we need to seek Him everyday, in scripture and in prayer.
Why do things that I know come so hard?
I was reminded of Jehovah Jireh once again - our Lord will provide. I have been reminded more than once of this name here lately. I know He will provide, I have faith that He will provide. He has done it so many times and will do it again and again.
Services yesterday were awesome, well, had nursery Sunday morning. So, Sunday school lesson and Sunday night message were great.
Relying on God, day by day, minute by minute.
This weeks study dealt a lot with relying on God, not just entirely but day by day. Sometimes He is going to give us just what we need for TODAY, not tomorrow or the rest of the week. That's why we need to seek Him everyday, in scripture and in prayer.
Why do things that I know come so hard?
I was reminded of Jehovah Jireh once again - our Lord will provide. I have been reminded more than once of this name here lately. I know He will provide, I have faith that He will provide. He has done it so many times and will do it again and again.
Services yesterday were awesome, well, had nursery Sunday morning. So, Sunday school lesson and Sunday night message were great.
Relying on God, day by day, minute by minute.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Results
So we got the tests results on Wednesday for Hannah -all came back negative. A good thing, yet a bad thing. Good in that nothing serious or horrible is going on, bad in that we and the doctors dont know what is going on. So, with my family history, the doctor is going to treat her as early onset lupus. Weve started her on plaquonyl(sp). It can take 3-4 months for her to feel any effects of it. The arthritis medication has worked well, she able to function. She still has some pain and tires easily but at least she is able to do everyday tasks.
Very frustrating - for her and us. Are answers too much to ask? I know God has a reason for all of this and I will give him the glory in it.
Very frustrating - for her and us. Are answers too much to ask? I know God has a reason for all of this and I will give him the glory in it.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Thankful
I read today a blog from a mom who just lost her 3 yr old to cancer. It will be one week tomorrow. I can not imagine the pain that mom must be going through.
Another blog I read is one of a mother whose eldest daughter is special needs, has 2 younger daughters and at times has fostered other children. How she does it, is beyond me.
I never want to complain about my life, my children or anything after I read these posts. God has blessed me and my family so much.
We go tomorrow for Hannah's blood work results. I really dont know what to expect. It could be anything. Something as "small" as a lingering virus to something as "big" as an auto immune disease. Right now, we want answers. The arthritis medication they have put her on is helping out tremendously. She still has some aches and pains and tires easily but thankfully she is not in the pain she was in, to where she could barely walk or get through normal everyday activities.
God has truly blessed us.
Reflecting back I remember to when Emily stopped talking. I guess she was around 9 months when this happened. Little did we know is was actually something and not her being stubborn. Though funny, she could barely talk but the two of the words she could and would say - chihuahua and diareah. Of all the words, oh and shit. Yes, she could cuss. No thanks to my husbands step mom. Of all the words she picked up - why that one?
At the age of 4 we had her seen about and it was determined by a speech pathologist she had apraxia. Basically the neurons when fired in her brain didnt connect. It also affected some of her motor skills, walking, picking things up with her fingers and just overall clumsiness.
At that point she started speech therapy three times a week. She could only say at the most 3 or 4 different sounds.
I was sad to know and hear from someone else that my perfect child was not perfect.
It was not until she was in second grade that we learned that the apraxia had also affected her learning. She was put into special classes that would help her while also being mainstreamed with her "real" class. I will never forget the first parent teacher conference I went to where they went over everything and told me and discussed how far behind she was. I cried the whole way home. I smile now to see how far she has come and what she has overcame.
My shy little Emi is not quite as shy now. She is friendly and excels in sports. She is an awesome fastpitch softball pitcher - something I would have never guessed would be her "thing".
Her learning is almost up to speed with everyone else. She catches on quickly and gives it her best and when she doesnt get it, will ask for help.
God has been so good to me.
Another blog I read is one of a mother whose eldest daughter is special needs, has 2 younger daughters and at times has fostered other children. How she does it, is beyond me.
I never want to complain about my life, my children or anything after I read these posts. God has blessed me and my family so much.
We go tomorrow for Hannah's blood work results. I really dont know what to expect. It could be anything. Something as "small" as a lingering virus to something as "big" as an auto immune disease. Right now, we want answers. The arthritis medication they have put her on is helping out tremendously. She still has some aches and pains and tires easily but thankfully she is not in the pain she was in, to where she could barely walk or get through normal everyday activities.
God has truly blessed us.
Reflecting back I remember to when Emily stopped talking. I guess she was around 9 months when this happened. Little did we know is was actually something and not her being stubborn. Though funny, she could barely talk but the two of the words she could and would say - chihuahua and diareah. Of all the words, oh and shit. Yes, she could cuss. No thanks to my husbands step mom. Of all the words she picked up - why that one?
At the age of 4 we had her seen about and it was determined by a speech pathologist she had apraxia. Basically the neurons when fired in her brain didnt connect. It also affected some of her motor skills, walking, picking things up with her fingers and just overall clumsiness.
At that point she started speech therapy three times a week. She could only say at the most 3 or 4 different sounds.
I was sad to know and hear from someone else that my perfect child was not perfect.
It was not until she was in second grade that we learned that the apraxia had also affected her learning. She was put into special classes that would help her while also being mainstreamed with her "real" class. I will never forget the first parent teacher conference I went to where they went over everything and told me and discussed how far behind she was. I cried the whole way home. I smile now to see how far she has come and what she has overcame.
My shy little Emi is not quite as shy now. She is friendly and excels in sports. She is an awesome fastpitch softball pitcher - something I would have never guessed would be her "thing".
Her learning is almost up to speed with everyone else. She catches on quickly and gives it her best and when she doesnt get it, will ask for help.
God has been so good to me.
Monday, April 9, 2012
The Beginning
I love to write, but for some unknown reason I have the uncontrollable urge to write when I am depressed, down or upset. When I am happy, in a good mood or everything seems to be going good, the words dont come.
So the title - because that is what I write about - my life. I am a stay at home mom with two teenage daughters. My husband is a truck driver which allows me to stay at home.
My family is my life. My eldest daughter used to be a cheerleader, and injury and a Nazi coach have influenced her to put that aside. My youngest is a travel softball player. Weve been on the same team for going on our third year. She is a pitcher and is really good. So my hobbies, hmmm, I like to read, I like to work in the yard and my family.
I had a blog but it accidentally got erased by my youngest daughter - oh well.
To me, I am an average person, nothing spectacular. I wouldnt turn your head, but if you met me, you would remember me. I am very friendly, what you see is what you get. I dont put up with crap or drama. I've had my fill of that and life is too short to put up with it. Everything I have or will ever have is because of God. I know that no matter what comes my way, God will see us through.
I attend church on average three times a week - twice on Sunday and then again Wednesday night. I love learning about the Bible, it never ceases to amaze me. I love Bible trivia, weird I know.
So what is so special about this post - maybe it was my weekend. Well, my weekends typically start on Thursday because that is pay day and that is when I start planning the weekend.
More information on me - I am over weight, obese. I hate it more than most will ever know. I rarely look at myself in the mirror and when I do, I dont actually look at myself. Clothes shopping is hell for me. So Friday when we went dress shopping for Easter, something snapped in me. It is probably the closest I have been to a panic attack. Another tid bit - I rarely cry, but Friday, I cried in public several times. Not quiet tears - sobs. At that point I started hating myself, my body, myself.
We bought the girls dresses and all I picked out was a blouse. We then looked for shoes, I found some tennis shoes. Still I was not out of my funk. We ate lunch, I cried more.
Then I did what I had done before - I returned everything I had bought for me.
So the title - because that is what I write about - my life. I am a stay at home mom with two teenage daughters. My husband is a truck driver which allows me to stay at home.
My family is my life. My eldest daughter used to be a cheerleader, and injury and a Nazi coach have influenced her to put that aside. My youngest is a travel softball player. Weve been on the same team for going on our third year. She is a pitcher and is really good. So my hobbies, hmmm, I like to read, I like to work in the yard and my family.
I had a blog but it accidentally got erased by my youngest daughter - oh well.
To me, I am an average person, nothing spectacular. I wouldnt turn your head, but if you met me, you would remember me. I am very friendly, what you see is what you get. I dont put up with crap or drama. I've had my fill of that and life is too short to put up with it. Everything I have or will ever have is because of God. I know that no matter what comes my way, God will see us through.
I attend church on average three times a week - twice on Sunday and then again Wednesday night. I love learning about the Bible, it never ceases to amaze me. I love Bible trivia, weird I know.
So what is so special about this post - maybe it was my weekend. Well, my weekends typically start on Thursday because that is pay day and that is when I start planning the weekend.
More information on me - I am over weight, obese. I hate it more than most will ever know. I rarely look at myself in the mirror and when I do, I dont actually look at myself. Clothes shopping is hell for me. So Friday when we went dress shopping for Easter, something snapped in me. It is probably the closest I have been to a panic attack. Another tid bit - I rarely cry, but Friday, I cried in public several times. Not quiet tears - sobs. At that point I started hating myself, my body, myself.
We bought the girls dresses and all I picked out was a blouse. We then looked for shoes, I found some tennis shoes. Still I was not out of my funk. We ate lunch, I cried more.
Then I did what I had done before - I returned everything I had bought for me.
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