Better

Today and yesterday are better days. I feel better. The fog has lifted. The weather is crazy - but hey, its Georgia, what do you expect. Its Dec. 5 and its 70 degrees out, yesterday and today. I wore shorts and flip flops yesterday. Maybe that has been the reason for the better mood. The weather is kind of dreary today. Its warm but overcast, looks like it could rain at any moment. It needs to, we need the rain.
Not really much in the Christmas spirit this year, but then again, I rarely am. I enjoy it, just dont get all that into it. I guess its just the commercialism of it all. I enjoy buying the girls stuff and Eddy something and my family, but everyone else - wait, I stopped doing that a few years ago. That was crazy. I got to where I thought I had to buy for this friend and that friend. Then I started making treats or cakes for them. Then they started expecting it . . . HUH? This year I may make some goodie tins for special people, teachers I like or people like that. I just downsized my outer circle. The smaller it is, the less bull I have to put up with.
Here lately I have noticed just how much I love my family. The nights me and the girls lay in the bed and watch TV or when me and Ed go out to eat. When me and my dad go out to eat. I love that. I have never really been close to him up until the past year or so. Ever since granny died it made me realize I wont have him or my mom forever. I have really missed Granny this holiday season. I made her dressing for Thanksgiving this year and turned out really good - only a couple servings of left overs. My sweet potato souffle' was also a hit, maybe less left over there.
One tradition we have had was me, my mom and sisters go Black Friday shopping. This year Hannah got to go. She loved it. She was only able to last about 4 hours or so then she had to go home and crash. Then the day after Thanksgiving me and Hannah put up the tree. Emily is not into that. She goes and does her own thing.
Eddy and Emily went out and did their thing while me and Hannah slept. Just seems to work out best that way - lol.

I am truly blessed beyond measure. I do not deserve what God has given me but am truly thankful He has given it to me.

Weather

Sometimes I feel it coming. Sometimes it hits me and knocks me off my feet. At least when I see it coming, I can prepare for it, can brace myself for what is about to hit.
Depression. I hate it. It usually happens like the tides, slowly but surely creeping up. I can see it, I can feel it, like the weather. A storm, maybe a drizzle sometimes, then again I have had all out thunderstorms with gusting winds and torrential rain, but thankfully they are usually no more than a light rain.
This time of the year is the worst for me. I wan to do so much but the money isn't there to do it. I know money isn't everything and love isn't shown by the amount you spend on someone. Its also the early nights. It gets dark SO early.
We avoided one meltdown this year already by not going to Gatlinburg with his family. It is always an extra stress for me. I hate that the girls do not get to see their grandfather but that is a choice he, through his wife, has made. That is not to say something could be brewing, wouldn't be at all surprised if something is.
I take meds for anxiety and depression. Yes they work but only to a certain extent. I want to be able to feel emotion, as little emotion as I feel, I like to be able to have the option of expressing it.
I don't typically cry, just if something sends me over the edge. I mostly just want to be left alone. Leave me alone, that all I want. Suicidal - no. Just an overall down feeling. A feeling that I am not good enough. Like I cant please everyone. Sometimes I feel like something is missing, an emptiness.
I know most of the time it is hormones, doesn't make it any easier though.
I feel like I'm lazy, but all I want to do is lie in the bed and be left alone. Sometimes I eat almost uncontrollably.
I try to make myself happy, but it is so short lived. As soon as its over, the black fog envelopes me again.
I wish I was happy all the time.