Better

Today and yesterday are better days. I feel better. The fog has lifted. The weather is crazy - but hey, its Georgia, what do you expect. Its Dec. 5 and its 70 degrees out, yesterday and today. I wore shorts and flip flops yesterday. Maybe that has been the reason for the better mood. The weather is kind of dreary today. Its warm but overcast, looks like it could rain at any moment. It needs to, we need the rain.
Not really much in the Christmas spirit this year, but then again, I rarely am. I enjoy it, just dont get all that into it. I guess its just the commercialism of it all. I enjoy buying the girls stuff and Eddy something and my family, but everyone else - wait, I stopped doing that a few years ago. That was crazy. I got to where I thought I had to buy for this friend and that friend. Then I started making treats or cakes for them. Then they started expecting it . . . HUH? This year I may make some goodie tins for special people, teachers I like or people like that. I just downsized my outer circle. The smaller it is, the less bull I have to put up with.
Here lately I have noticed just how much I love my family. The nights me and the girls lay in the bed and watch TV or when me and Ed go out to eat. When me and my dad go out to eat. I love that. I have never really been close to him up until the past year or so. Ever since granny died it made me realize I wont have him or my mom forever. I have really missed Granny this holiday season. I made her dressing for Thanksgiving this year and turned out really good - only a couple servings of left overs. My sweet potato souffle' was also a hit, maybe less left over there.
One tradition we have had was me, my mom and sisters go Black Friday shopping. This year Hannah got to go. She loved it. She was only able to last about 4 hours or so then she had to go home and crash. Then the day after Thanksgiving me and Hannah put up the tree. Emily is not into that. She goes and does her own thing.
Eddy and Emily went out and did their thing while me and Hannah slept. Just seems to work out best that way - lol.

I am truly blessed beyond measure. I do not deserve what God has given me but am truly thankful He has given it to me.

Weather

Sometimes I feel it coming. Sometimes it hits me and knocks me off my feet. At least when I see it coming, I can prepare for it, can brace myself for what is about to hit.
Depression. I hate it. It usually happens like the tides, slowly but surely creeping up. I can see it, I can feel it, like the weather. A storm, maybe a drizzle sometimes, then again I have had all out thunderstorms with gusting winds and torrential rain, but thankfully they are usually no more than a light rain.
This time of the year is the worst for me. I wan to do so much but the money isn't there to do it. I know money isn't everything and love isn't shown by the amount you spend on someone. Its also the early nights. It gets dark SO early.
We avoided one meltdown this year already by not going to Gatlinburg with his family. It is always an extra stress for me. I hate that the girls do not get to see their grandfather but that is a choice he, through his wife, has made. That is not to say something could be brewing, wouldn't be at all surprised if something is.
I take meds for anxiety and depression. Yes they work but only to a certain extent. I want to be able to feel emotion, as little emotion as I feel, I like to be able to have the option of expressing it.
I don't typically cry, just if something sends me over the edge. I mostly just want to be left alone. Leave me alone, that all I want. Suicidal - no. Just an overall down feeling. A feeling that I am not good enough. Like I cant please everyone. Sometimes I feel like something is missing, an emptiness.
I know most of the time it is hormones, doesn't make it any easier though.
I feel like I'm lazy, but all I want to do is lie in the bed and be left alone. Sometimes I eat almost uncontrollably.
I try to make myself happy, but it is so short lived. As soon as its over, the black fog envelopes me again.
I wish I was happy all the time.

Thinking

This morning while laying in my bed, with a warm doggie tucked in nicely behind my knees, I began thinking about someone who used to be my friend. Well, I say used to, I could call her and chat but it wouldn't be the same, and my definition of friend and hers seem to be a little off.
How we came to know each other is rather odd but it happened none the less. Looking back I wish I had never initiated us going to lunch. The next year to a year and half were nothing but drama in our lives. I can honestly say that today I am a different person because of her and her family, but not in a good way.
At first the friendship seemed legit. Maybe I was so wanting a friend I reached to the first person I found. I was wanting someone who would not judge me for being me, who accepted me and all my faults. She did, but  . . . with that I dropped my guard. I was so strong within myself, but suddenly I was weak. Signs and flashing lights that at one time I would have made an about face to, I now walked right into. I can honestly say I wish I could go back and had never met her.
I was a good friend. She would call me for advice because I was so level headed. I was there for her when it seemed everything that could go wrong did.
No need for intimate details, but the final straw was when things in my life were not so good anymore. I called her for nothing more than an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and was told she had to let me go she would call me back. I needed her then, a couple minutes later, yes, but not a week later. That is when she called me back. I had already cried my tears and settled things in myself, I really didn't need her now.
That looking back summed up our friendship. I had always been there for her, but then again, things had been going well for me, I didn't really need her in that aspect of life, I just needed a friend. So when I did need her, she was not there for me.
I see now she has other friends and I wonder if it is the same with them. I often wonder where I would be now had I not met her.
I tend to look at it as a test, and I failed - miserably. I compromised myself and my standards for her. Now roughly 4 years later, all I see is regret.
Yes, God is a God of forgiveness and love, but what if I cant forgive myself . . . How could someone as strong as I was, let my guard down?
Now my friend wall is made of brick and fortified within and without. I have "friends", but I will let no one in that close to me ever again.
I have my family, as far as I'm concerned that's all I need.

Oh Bother

Why do we let the little things bother us?
They poke at us just enough to make us uncomfortable, like a piece of grass caught on your sock. No, it doesnt hurt, it just drives you crazy.
Drama, girl and momma drama, gripe me the most. It is so elementary or should I say middle school. Its uncalled for.
Family drama, is nothing more than trying to control the family. It splits the family into groups - my side and their side and they leave everyone to choose their sides. And with choosing, you choose whether you will be welcomed or shunned.
For two years I went through the drama and all that goes with it of having a middle school daughter. About half way through her 8th grade year I decided I had had enough. No more. I would control what I could and leave the rest alone and let it sort its own self out. Give them enough rope and they'll hang them self.
Thats where I stand today. Some times I want to stick my hands in so bad and put my two cents worth in, thankfully tho, I think before I do. Especially when it comes to my kids.
This week I had my share of drama. What I want to do, what I need to do and what I actually do, have nothing in common.
Prayer is usually what I have to resort to because if I didnt, what I want to do, is what I would do. And that is not always a good thing.
I cease to be amazed at how if you just sit back and observe, how things will show its true self. Sit back and listen, its amazing what you will hear and learn. Like pieces of a puzzle, bits of stories start falling together exposing the truth. I saw that happen this week. I've been dealing with drama long enough to know when its been started by a kid or adult. This week - I was right - adult.
This momma is new to my playground, she dont know the rules, I'm giving it a few more days then I will let her know the rules. In a very polite southern charm way. :)

Giving

Today's devotional was about giving. Not necessarily money, but that included, of ourselves, our time and other things that only "we" can give to God, to our church.
I gave so much of my life, time, money and my being to the church I was raised in only to find out years later that it was all done for the wrong reason. I thought what I was doing was right. In some ways I was forced, but it was out of fear, not out of desire for God. I thought I was serving God, but I wasn't. How is singing in the choir serving God? It isn't. It wasn't out of my comfort zone, I wasn't doing something for God. What were my reasons for the things I did? Because I as told to, because I had to, had no choice. And Lord forbid I miss something! There was no balance to life.
The second church I served in, I gave so much to, in the end, didnt want me anymore. Fifteen years and they really didnt know me. Hurt.
In my heart, I have good intentions. I would love to give lots of money to my church. I want to do more, give more of my time. But I have been hurt, used, misused by two churches. I will now rarely volunteer to do anything. I have a select few I will work with because they do not abuse my willingness. I want people to know me but am unwilling to let them know me for fear of being hurt yet again.
So that sums it up - I don't give because I am scared. Fear. Now, I am not a fearful or scared person, just the opposite in fact. But I do not like opening myself up for others to see. Fear is the absence of faith. WOW. That just came to me - where did that come from?
I have some issues in my psyche that will not allow me to do some things in the church. I get the fight or flight syndrome, and more than likely I will run. My brain starts screaming RUN! Then with that, I withdraw.
I've reached my turning around point. I want to feel like I belong. I want to feel the feeling I have had when Jesus was my "go to". The peace.

Today

I went to our Bible/Book study this morning. I knew it was what I needed. I need this - I need accountability. I love doing these things but in a group, I love it that much more.
This weeks study dealt a lot with relying on God, not just entirely but day by day. Sometimes He is going to give us just what we need for TODAY, not tomorrow or the rest of the week. That's why we need to seek Him everyday, in scripture and in prayer.
Why do things that I know come so hard?
I was reminded of Jehovah Jireh once again - our Lord will provide. I have been reminded more than once of this name here lately. I know He will provide, I have faith that He will provide. He has done it so many times  and will do it again and again.
Services yesterday were awesome, well, had nursery Sunday morning. So, Sunday school lesson and Sunday night message were great.
Relying on God, day by day, minute by minute.

Results

So we got the tests results on Wednesday for Hannah -all came back negative. A good thing, yet a bad thing. Good in that nothing serious or horrible is going on, bad in that we and the doctors dont know what is going on. So, with my family history, the doctor is going to treat her as early onset lupus. Weve started her on plaquonyl(sp). It can take 3-4 months for her to feel any effects of it. The arthritis medication has worked well, she able to function. She still has some pain and tires easily but at least she is able to do everyday tasks.
Very frustrating - for her and us. Are answers too much to ask? I know God has a reason for all of this and I will give him the glory in it.

Thankful

I read today a blog from a mom who just lost her 3 yr old to cancer. It will be one week tomorrow. I can not imagine the pain that mom must be going through.
Another blog I read is one of a mother whose eldest daughter is special needs, has 2 younger daughters and at times has fostered other children. How she does it, is beyond me.
I never want to complain about my life, my children or anything after I read these posts. God has blessed me and my family so much.
We go tomorrow for Hannah's blood work results. I really dont know what to expect. It could be anything. Something as "small" as a lingering virus to something as "big" as an auto immune disease. Right now, we want answers. The arthritis medication they have put her on is helping out tremendously. She still has some aches and pains and tires easily but thankfully she is not in the pain she was in, to where she could barely walk or get through normal everyday activities.
God has truly blessed us.
Reflecting back I remember to when Emily stopped talking. I guess she was around 9 months when this happened. Little did we know is was actually something and not her being stubborn. Though funny, she could barely talk but the two of the words she could and would say - chihuahua and diareah. Of all the words, oh and shit. Yes, she could cuss. No thanks to my husbands step mom. Of all the words she picked up - why that one?
At the age of 4 we had her seen about and it was determined by a speech pathologist she had apraxia. Basically the neurons when fired in her brain didnt connect. It also affected some of her motor skills, walking, picking things up with her fingers and just overall clumsiness.
At that point she started speech therapy three times a week. She could only say at the most 3 or 4 different sounds.
I was sad to know and hear from someone else that my perfect child was not perfect.
It was not until she was in second grade that we learned that the apraxia had also affected her learning. She was put into special classes that would help her while also being mainstreamed with her "real" class. I will never forget the first parent teacher conference I went to where they went over everything and told me and discussed how far behind she was. I cried the whole way home. I smile now to see how far she has come and what she has overcame.
My shy little Emi is not quite as shy now. She is friendly and excels in sports. She is an awesome fastpitch softball pitcher - something I would have never guessed would be her "thing".
Her learning is almost up to speed with everyone else. She catches on quickly and gives it her best and when she doesnt get it, will ask for help.
God has been so good to me.

The Beginning

I love to write, but for some unknown reason I have the uncontrollable urge to write when I am depressed, down or upset. When I am happy, in a good mood or everything seems to be going good, the words dont come.
So the title - because that is what I write about - my life. I am a stay at home mom with two teenage daughters. My husband is a truck driver which allows me to stay at home.
My family is my life. My eldest daughter used to be a cheerleader, and injury and a Nazi coach have influenced her to put that aside. My youngest is a travel softball player. Weve been on the same team for going on our third year. She is a pitcher and is really good. So my hobbies, hmmm, I like to read, I like to work in the yard and my family.
I had a blog but it accidentally got erased by my youngest daughter - oh well.
To me, I am an average person, nothing spectacular. I wouldnt turn your head, but if you met me, you would remember me. I am very friendly, what you see is what you get. I dont put up with crap or drama. I've had my fill of that and life is too short to put up with it. Everything I have or will ever have is because of God. I know that no matter what comes my way, God will see us through.
I attend church on average three times a week - twice on Sunday and then again Wednesday night. I love learning about the Bible, it never ceases to amaze me. I love Bible trivia, weird I know.
So what is so special about this post - maybe it was my weekend. Well, my weekends typically start on Thursday because that is pay day and that is when I start planning the weekend.
More information on me - I am over weight, obese. I hate it more than most will ever know. I rarely look at myself in the mirror and when I do, I dont actually look at myself. Clothes shopping is hell for me. So Friday when we went dress shopping for Easter, something snapped in me. It is probably the closest I have been to a panic attack. Another tid bit - I rarely cry, but Friday, I cried in public several times. Not quiet tears - sobs. At that point I started hating myself, my body, myself.
We bought the girls dresses and all I picked out was a blouse. We then looked for shoes, I found some tennis shoes. Still I was not out of my funk. We ate lunch, I cried more.
Then I did what I had done before - I returned everything I had bought for me.