Weather

Sometimes I feel it coming. Sometimes it hits me and knocks me off my feet. At least when I see it coming, I can prepare for it, can brace myself for what is about to hit.
Depression. I hate it. It usually happens like the tides, slowly but surely creeping up. I can see it, I can feel it, like the weather. A storm, maybe a drizzle sometimes, then again I have had all out thunderstorms with gusting winds and torrential rain, but thankfully they are usually no more than a light rain.
This time of the year is the worst for me. I wan to do so much but the money isn't there to do it. I know money isn't everything and love isn't shown by the amount you spend on someone. Its also the early nights. It gets dark SO early.
We avoided one meltdown this year already by not going to Gatlinburg with his family. It is always an extra stress for me. I hate that the girls do not get to see their grandfather but that is a choice he, through his wife, has made. That is not to say something could be brewing, wouldn't be at all surprised if something is.
I take meds for anxiety and depression. Yes they work but only to a certain extent. I want to be able to feel emotion, as little emotion as I feel, I like to be able to have the option of expressing it.
I don't typically cry, just if something sends me over the edge. I mostly just want to be left alone. Leave me alone, that all I want. Suicidal - no. Just an overall down feeling. A feeling that I am not good enough. Like I cant please everyone. Sometimes I feel like something is missing, an emptiness.
I know most of the time it is hormones, doesn't make it any easier though.
I feel like I'm lazy, but all I want to do is lie in the bed and be left alone. Sometimes I eat almost uncontrollably.
I try to make myself happy, but it is so short lived. As soon as its over, the black fog envelopes me again.
I wish I was happy all the time.