Giving

Today's devotional was about giving. Not necessarily money, but that included, of ourselves, our time and other things that only "we" can give to God, to our church.
I gave so much of my life, time, money and my being to the church I was raised in only to find out years later that it was all done for the wrong reason. I thought what I was doing was right. In some ways I was forced, but it was out of fear, not out of desire for God. I thought I was serving God, but I wasn't. How is singing in the choir serving God? It isn't. It wasn't out of my comfort zone, I wasn't doing something for God. What were my reasons for the things I did? Because I as told to, because I had to, had no choice. And Lord forbid I miss something! There was no balance to life.
The second church I served in, I gave so much to, in the end, didnt want me anymore. Fifteen years and they really didnt know me. Hurt.
In my heart, I have good intentions. I would love to give lots of money to my church. I want to do more, give more of my time. But I have been hurt, used, misused by two churches. I will now rarely volunteer to do anything. I have a select few I will work with because they do not abuse my willingness. I want people to know me but am unwilling to let them know me for fear of being hurt yet again.
So that sums it up - I don't give because I am scared. Fear. Now, I am not a fearful or scared person, just the opposite in fact. But I do not like opening myself up for others to see. Fear is the absence of faith. WOW. That just came to me - where did that come from?
I have some issues in my psyche that will not allow me to do some things in the church. I get the fight or flight syndrome, and more than likely I will run. My brain starts screaming RUN! Then with that, I withdraw.
I've reached my turning around point. I want to feel like I belong. I want to feel the feeling I have had when Jesus was my "go to". The peace.