Thinking

This morning while laying in my bed, with a warm doggie tucked in nicely behind my knees, I began thinking about someone who used to be my friend. Well, I say used to, I could call her and chat but it wouldn't be the same, and my definition of friend and hers seem to be a little off.
How we came to know each other is rather odd but it happened none the less. Looking back I wish I had never initiated us going to lunch. The next year to a year and half were nothing but drama in our lives. I can honestly say that today I am a different person because of her and her family, but not in a good way.
At first the friendship seemed legit. Maybe I was so wanting a friend I reached to the first person I found. I was wanting someone who would not judge me for being me, who accepted me and all my faults. She did, but  . . . with that I dropped my guard. I was so strong within myself, but suddenly I was weak. Signs and flashing lights that at one time I would have made an about face to, I now walked right into. I can honestly say I wish I could go back and had never met her.
I was a good friend. She would call me for advice because I was so level headed. I was there for her when it seemed everything that could go wrong did.
No need for intimate details, but the final straw was when things in my life were not so good anymore. I called her for nothing more than an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and was told she had to let me go she would call me back. I needed her then, a couple minutes later, yes, but not a week later. That is when she called me back. I had already cried my tears and settled things in myself, I really didn't need her now.
That looking back summed up our friendship. I had always been there for her, but then again, things had been going well for me, I didn't really need her in that aspect of life, I just needed a friend. So when I did need her, she was not there for me.
I see now she has other friends and I wonder if it is the same with them. I often wonder where I would be now had I not met her.
I tend to look at it as a test, and I failed - miserably. I compromised myself and my standards for her. Now roughly 4 years later, all I see is regret.
Yes, God is a God of forgiveness and love, but what if I cant forgive myself . . . How could someone as strong as I was, let my guard down?
Now my friend wall is made of brick and fortified within and without. I have "friends", but I will let no one in that close to me ever again.
I have my family, as far as I'm concerned that's all I need.